In a flat as sea level cypress forest thick with trees tall enough to require an overlength permit, you can hide some pretty big stuff. Even from the overpass crossing Alligator Alley we couldn’t see over that forest, which may explain how the Postal Service was able to hide it’s latest pride and joy there.

‘Twas getting near dawn when I awoke, and looked like the Postal Services 13th or so vice president was droning on. That’s the way the Postal Service works- for political reasons, the pay progression climbing up the ladder of the Postal Executive Service isn’t all that big, thus the executives try to make up for their lack of salary with perks and ceremony. Thus the Postal fleet roster includes dozens of limos, and there’s even an “Executive Training Center” complete with country club for their exclusive use. We were witnessing the ceremony part of the pay and perks package, with one Postal executive after another in diminishing order of status droning on about the glories of their turkey drones.

Bored but no longer able to sleep, I turned on my tablet and checked out the chatter at the Brown Cafe and 21st Century Postal Worker forums. Suffice to say, the threat to replace Carriers and UPS drivers with turkey drones was not received well, and there was talk of rooting the turkey’s guidance system and thus routing said turkeys. A threat not to be taken lightly, given that the computers guiding the turkey drones were developed during the first gulf war by techs who now program and repair the Postal Service’s computer driven mail sorting systems. Calmer heads repeated the old workshop mantra: Don’t bother sabotaging a system that’ll probably fail of it’s own accord… Could a bunch of grad students have disabled and replaced the turkey drone’s pea brain? The techs suspected that the Everglades State University grad students had programmed some low level functions of the turkey drones guidance systems, and their best efforts could easily be undone by anyone with root access… And who else would have root access than the Postal Service techs who programmed those same computers to guide cruise missiles to Baghdad  two decades ago? Meanwhile, UPS had visited the Miami federal courthouse too, and were now allowed back in the party. And our motley media? As the story took on a life of it’s own, the satellite trucks and anchors arrived. The Postal executives’ drone about turkey drones was finally interrupted by an ample breakfast buffet, and we we’re herded outside…

Ever since the airlines gained some political muscle, the Postal Service has been barred by law from owning airplanes and forced to pay said airlines to fly mail. Subtly positioned to block the rising sun for most of the morning was the Postal Service’s revenge, Airship Eagle. Now my fellow gearheads may have noticed renewed interest in blimps of late, no doubt fueled by the air cargo industry’s lack of rail competitive payload and fuel economy. As the TV cameras jockeyed for position in the pre dawn light, the Postmaster General prattled on about the new Postal blimp’s advantages while the blimp levitated slightly so the turkey drones could pick up and deliver packages. Looking closely, I noted that the turkey drones still did what all birds, well, do. And when they were within range, any quick movement would bring the expected avian defensive responses.

So with all the major networks live at dawn, the Postmaster General, surrounded by hundreds of turkey drones, was backlit by the rising sun just below the Airship Eagle blimp. Sensing an opportunity and maybe a board seat at UPS or FDX in his future, the PMG wouldn’t quit talking as the sun rose behind him. As the sun rose, the TV crews shut off their floodlights, just as the rising sun created a shadow over the assembled turkey drones surrounding the Postmaster General. Then turkey pandomenium ensued, with hundreds of turkeys flying full speed, right on top of the Postmaster General!

Looks like the PMG will survive after a thorough cleaning and a round of vaccinations. The Postal Inspectors weren’t taking it so lightly though, and I’ve never seen so many of them in one place. I gotta run…

 

 

 

 

 

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