Take deep breaths; And if that don’t work call 911. Were deep in crisis mode here, some of us gearheads have mistakenly erroniously been called upon to COOK THE TURKEY. It’s noon, and the big bird is still icicle encrusted. First, deputise an assistant to serve alcoholic drinks, and lots of them!

Now if we had a positive net worth or at least a credit line we’d just go door to door, waving a stack of twenties, until someone sold us an at least warm turkey. However, that’s not an option for us impoverished gearheads.

So what we need to near burn our bird is BTU’s by the million. Sorry, domestic heating equipment won’t do- We need industrial strength heating machinery. Live in a big apartment complex? Being a gearhead, you’ve probably figured out how to get access to the boiler room, If you’re not the engineer in charge of it. Get that bird right down to the flames for as long as it takes, hotwire ’round the thermostat, and let the boiler think it’s 20 below! Comisserate with your fellow cliff dwellers, and inform them that you already called the repair service and they’re closed for the holidays.

No monster heating plant? See any locomotives parked nearby? Did you know that most locomotives use hundreds of gallons of water in their cooling systems instead of antifreeze… If you’re a gearhead in good standing, you’re already hatching a plan! No locomotives? Got a foundry or at least a welding shop that works on big iron around?

Caution: Some of the above may involve safety hazards and/or felony offenses. Worse yet, by the time you get admitted and/or booked they’ll probably be done serving turkey dinner!